I am in Santa Barbara enjoying the sun out on the back deck of a rental cottage we have for the week. I can't help but feel guilty for taking an apparently much needed vacation.
I am a stay at home mom, and spend most days with my son at home. Why is it that getting away to a beach town is peaceful and motivating unlike home?
I had a birth client due, my 4th since Thanksgiving, so I have not scheduled anytime away. Andrew has been traveling a lot, and in other countries for weeks at a time without us. I have been missing him a lot, and Hudson has too. We both decided next big trip we are going with him. Well this last client wasn't due until April 12th and he was going to Santa Barbara for a week. We weren't going to go. He also is assigned to SB in 3 weeks but a shorter week.
Well my client went into labor Friday so after a night of checking in I went off to the birth. I came home for a rest Saturday afternoon (long early labor). Andrew and I talked about it and we decided he will cancel his flight and we will drive down with him, rent a cottage and stay the week. Since my client was in labor we didn't need to leave until Sunday afternoon, 24 hours later so things should have worked out. Well I have never been to a birth that was so long. She ended up with 5 days of labor. After Saturday night I was exhausted (remember I am 6 months prego myself) and called for another back-up shift. That Sunday morning when things really didn't get going for the birth yet I had a little break down. I so emotionally needed a break, but also had the obligiation to my client to finish her birth. She couldn't walk away and go on vacation, why should I be able to. I couldn't stop crying, I felt so guilty. I love my husband and we needed time together with Hudson. Our family needed eachother after 6 weeks of being apart and now another 5 weeks in front of us of being apart again. I spoke to my wonderful back-up doula and she agreed to take over as lead doula (my client liked and met her already). I felt much better about everything once that happened.
We left for Santa Barbara and have had a great week. At the end of each day I still feel so guilty. Monday we had a relaxing day, tuesday we went to the Zoo, Wed the beach, and today the park by the beach. Each day we get to say goodbye to daddy in the morning, and then go to his office to meet him for lunch. The office is ocean cliffside with great views and 65degree weather. What a joyful, relaxing, happy, smiling family we all are. I am even motivated too cook dinner every night, I prepared an entire menu for the week and went shopping Monday. Andrew asked why I don't do this at home, the only thing I could come up with is, distractions. Like the internet, by non-profit group, doula things etc....
I feel more energised, sleeping better and much more at peace. I love my family and can just with a lemonade on the porch and smile at Hudson peeing down his leg naked in the back yard. These are truely good times. I am blessed.
My client eventually delivered on Tuesday (5 days later). I couldn't have done all that myself anyway. Poor thing, she is a true trooper and stronger than she thought! I go see them Sunday when I return. It sounds like my back-up was meant to be there for her I hope they feel the same way.
So guilt or not, we needed this. I hope to continue this feeling at home if possible. Daddy will be gone a lot though, so I will have to manage doing things on my own again. Not so hard, but just not as fun or rewarding.
1 week ago